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A Brief Appreciation

[ 89 ] March 29, 2012 |

Watching last night’s Barcelona-Inter Milan draw reminded me, that for many people on this planet, the most frightening sight in the world is a 5’4″ Argentinian–born the year after the Mets won the ’86 World Series–charging right at them:

See how his eyes are already looking at your feet? They’re not. They’re really on their way up to your belly-button, meaning your center-of-gravity’s betrayed you and he knows what lies your feet have told. And that move he’s making? It’s calculated to humiliate you five seconds after you realize its purpose, so there’s only one alternative, and given that Italians are famous for the volumptuousness of their gravity, they chose it with gusto:

You would think this tactic successful: share the Jovian gravitational force of 2.58 g that yanks Italian players to the pitch every time the wind considers blowing, but it’s to no avail! The tiny Argentinian spits in the face of Italian-alien gravitational alliances, pauses to shoot a look of shame at his “competitors,” then continues moving toward goal as if he’s bounding over Martian fields. Having no resort, the Italians do what they can:

Which entails trying to rip his face off. Anyone who wants to complain about the dirtiness of Italian football is welcome to in this thread. Keep it clean, though, my friends, as some players know what best to do when there’s nothing to be done:

“Keep your distance, lads,” you can almost hear one of them say. “And hope an Italian shows up.”



Comments (89)

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  1. rea says:

    I’m no fan of this game, so I don’t understand why there seem to be players from three different teams on the field on the second picture.

  2. SEK says:

    You’ll be schooled — politely – on the finer burdens of the insane sartorial declarations of the various leagues. I’ve no greater knowledge than you, but just look at that little man, look at his grace, half this side of divinity, and his intelligence, his artinstal understanding of the computational algorithms that’ll be required to politely you humiliate you … and all without malice. It’s like academia, only we can all agree we need one of him, sad though there we are we’ll never get one.

    • rea says:

      Like watching Justin Verlander pitch.

    • Rarely Posts says:

      Yeah, only mild offense met, but the awesomeness of great soccer is better than anything in academia, at least aesthetically.

      Also, I only rarely follow soccer (though more than I follow other sports), but even I know about Italian dirtiness. I still love that Zidane headbutted that Italian player. I know, I know, it’s totally unacceptable for a wide number of reasons, but . . . (1) I watched that game, and Materazzi played really dirty and flopped around on the ground like a dying fish for half the game, and (2) headbutting an opponent in the chest is simultaneously so badass and so soccer that I have to give it props.

      • anonymo says:

        Oh, and the french players weren’t diving like crazy in that final?

        Zidane was an intensely graceful and skilled player, but also a bit of a thug and cheap shot artist. Wasn’t his first head butt either.

        • Rarely Posts says:

          I agree that the amount of diving in that game made the whole thing a lot less pleasant to watch than it should have been, but Materazzi really drove me crazy. I love Italy and Italians, and I wanted to back them in that game (I don’t follow soccer enough to have strong team allegiances, so I basically back the Country or City where I would most like to take a vacation). Still, by the end of that game, I was actually backing the French.

    • Jeremy says:

      The only problem is, he plays for Barca.

      • Mrs Tilton says:

        You say that as though it were a bad thing.

        Blaugrana al vent,
        un crit valent!
        Tenem un nom,
        El sap tothom;
        BARÇA! BARÇA! BARÇA!!!

        • KadeKo says:

          As an American, Barca is by far the most successful team (overseas) I root for on the field, and the only one I see people in northeast wear jersies of.

          Is it considered sporting to have a “favorite” team in more than one country?

          • Dennis says:

            Seriously, I often joke that Barca is the second most popular team in DC. Their fan base here is amazing!

          • Mrs Tilton says:

            On the contrary, it’s not unusual, though I suspect that in many cases, unless the person in Country A with an attachment to the club in Country B is an expat or something, it’s more a sort of sentimental attachment than real hardcore support.

            Oh, and that reminds me. My club is Eintracht Frankfurt, but to that snippet from the Cant del Barça quoted above, allow me to add HER YERDE, HER ZAMAN, EN BÜYÜK KARTAL!

          • actor212 says:

            You ought to come to NY. I see more ManU & Chelsea jerseys, except on the 7 train, which as John Rocker so famously observed, runs through a neighborhood of just about every ethnicity you can imagine.

            Me? Arsenal. But then I’m a Mets and NY Rangers fan, so its to be expected.

          • KadeKo says:

            Thanks to all. My lineage also brings me to root for Metz in France. But I’m open to persuasion for Italy, Germany and the Netherlands.

            I’ll be doing my regular radio volunteer stint at the Boston Marathon (which is a heck of a way to get a contact endorphin high) and among the fans I expect to see a passel of jerseys. Chelsea, ManU and Liverpool are the ones I remember most.

          • Thlayli says:

            In my observation, the most popular club in the US is Club América, of Mexico City.

            (Of course, that’s leaving aside Mexico’s national team, which can sell out any stadium in this country).

      • avoidswork says:

        Shut.Your.PieHole. ;)

        His grace would be stifled under Real Madrid. Especially under The Special One.

        • Dennis says:

          I don’t know if that was directed at me but I’m actually one of the co-writers of SB Nation’s Real Madrid blog.

          I’m a Mourinho guy, but I have to admit–I love watching Barca as well.

          • avoidswork says:

            Shut the Front Door! I listen to the MM Podcast. Had no clue re your love/affiliation with RM.

            Simply a Barca girl who has not enjoyed watching the drama Mou brings to RM. And can’t wait for next Clasico and CLFinal.

            • Dennis says:

              Awesome! Glad you like the podcast. I just starting writing for them in February and it has been a great experience so far.
              The Clasico is the best rivalry in world sports, in my humble opinion. Those Spanish Supercopa matches last summer were mind-blowing and I think showcased better skill, beauty and drama than many of the matches in the last World Cup.

  3. Yet another former Navy SEAL on the internet says:

    The game was between AC Milan and Barcelona, not Inter Milan.

    • SEK says:

      Like anyone could tell the difference. Increased gravity? Check. Shirt chugging glue applied? Check. Inability to remain bipedal for more than six steps despite being a professional athlete? Check.

      AC, Inter, like it matters. It’s an ugly game, made great only when players like Messi decide to play it and “allow” the Italians the privilege of trying to cheat their team into a draw. Seriously, watch the video linked downthread. That’s the opposite of Italian football.

  4. Leeds man says:

    Anyone who wants to complain about the dirtiness of Italian football is welcome to in this thread.

    Could be worse. Could be Portuguese or Argentinian football. And yes, AC Milan, not Inter.

  5. Bart says:

    Amazing to me is how he can bull his way through defenders for such long runs. Most other players see the ball tackled or kicked aside.

  6. dave says:

    This is the trouble with Continental footballers: the defenders are so used to them taking a dive, they’ve forgotten how to really clatter one when he needs it.

    Honestly, if he’d gone up against any English top-flight side from the 1960s, he’d have been off with a broken leg before half-time.

    What’s that you say? It’s a non-contact sport? Only if you’re not doing it right… ;-)

  7. anon says:

    Nice of you to include among italian players also a portuguese player that plays in Spain…

    • steve says:

      I was about to say the same thing, only Pepe can’t accurately be referred to as a “player.”
      Using the proper nomenclature for people like Pepe might see me banned from commenting.

      • avoidswork says:

        Is it Pepe or Mourinho?
        There’s something about Mourinho that thugifies his talented players.

        (Teh Ramos is an exception in the sense that Teh Ramos was a thug prior to Mou. Beautiful man with lovely hair, but give me Alves any day of the week)

        • scott says:

          Before Mourinho even arrived, Pepe famously got banned for a long stretch of games for pretty savagely raking his spikes over a guy’s back when he was prone and helpless on the ground. Pepe has always been prone to unexplainable acts of madness.

          • avoidswork says:

            But let us be reminded of WC Final and Nederlanders van Bommel (now with ACM) and de Jong’s (ManCity) airstrike to Xabi’s chest — red card free (glares for all time at Howard Webb)

  8. scott says:

    Why didn’t Cesc play? Was he hurt? I actually thought Barca started running out of ideas at a certain point (Iniesta kinda sucked, at least by his standards), and Cesc might have freshened things up.

    • Dennis says:

      I was wondering that too. I don’t think he’s hurt. He played well against Mallorca the previous Saturday. I read that Pep preferred Keita for his physicality because he knew Milan were going to be physical.

    • actor212 says:

      I think it comes down to a schedule thing. They play Bilbao this weekend, and they need all three points to keep the heat on Madrid. They probably figured Fabs wouldn’t be a whole lot of help at Milan with a tough and physical defense, but he can have a bit more room at the Siro.

  9. Jonas says:

    I believe this is relevant to this thread:

  10. KMD says:

    Notice that “my” Real Betis is attempting to contain him from afar. :)

  11. actor212 says:

    Snipers. I’ve always believed snipers to be the best defense against Messi.

  12. actor212 says:

    They’re really on their way up to your belly-button, meaning your center-of-gravity’s betrayed you and he knows what lies your feet have told.

    I meant to compliment you earlier on this, SEK. Most Americans, even those who play hoops at a high level, miss this point in learning defense in any sport.

    Feet lie, heads can fake, but the belt buckle never ever lies.

    Well, maybe Gale Sayers’ did.

    • SEK says:

      I meant to compliment you earlier on this, SEK. Most Americans, even those who play hoops at a high level, miss this point in learning defense in any sport.

      I played striker/sweeper in high school, so 60 percent of my time on the training field involved 1) clearing and 2) one-on-one drills with my team’s fastest forward. The second I tried to see in his eyes if he’d pass, we’d start over. The second I tried to see if he planned to chip it, we’d start over. The one and only thing I was allowed to look at was his midsection. It’s impossible for anything not to move through it, and if you learn to read it, you know where a player’s up to.

      My problem, then as now, is that I could recognize what he was going to do, but lacked the athleticism to do anything about it. I still, if I’m not mistaken, the league leader in the Louisiana State Champsionships for most reds in regionals, qualifiers, and states. Did my job though, it wasn’t my fault I wasn’t a physical specimen.

  13. KLG says:

    As a former defensive back in the other kind of football I also appreciated the belly-button reference. It never lies and is your only hope in the open field. Never played Messi’s sport, but he is mesmerizing.

  14. dc says:

    He’s 5’7″, does not change the validity of your point though.

    • SEK says:

      He’s 5’7″ the same way NBA centers are 7’1″ — in theory and theory alone. There are some fantastic photographs of him behind Tom Cruise at some charity even through AP Images — which is so slow from my home VPN I won’t even try to find it until next week — but he’s not just shorter than Cruise, he’s significantly shorter.

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