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Not So Much A #Slatepitch as an #Onionpitch

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Shorter Simon Doonan:  a couple small restaurant chains you’ve never heard of represent a universal trend, the small minority of women who get breast implants for aesthetic reasons can be safely conflated with pretty much all women, and I find it puzzling that to find examples of small-breasted women being considered attractive I am forced to consult such obscure sources as “Hollywood movies” and “every fashion magazine published since the Nixon administration.”

I was hoping this wasn’t the same guy who wrote the “straight people eat like this, but gay people eat like this” book that was inexplicably hyped by the Times a couple weeks ago, but alas.   I’m not sure who decided that these not-quite-good-enough-to-open-for-Carrot-Top comedy stylings demanded the attention of many major media outlets, but I’m sure this will all end with a permanent sinecure at the Atlantic.

 

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  • JohnR

    I’m sure this will all end with a permanent sinecure at the Atlantic.

    Ah, The Atlantic: the offline version of The New Republic. A place where the right sort of writers go to serve out their declining years in an atmosphere of low standards and haute cuisine.

  • p joeseph

    And the Nascar crowd doesn’t seem to have been consulted, either. Too dead common, I suppose.

  • Uncle Kvetch

    the “straight people eat like this, but gay people eat like this” book

    I hate you for bringing this to my attention, Scott.

    • Scott Lemieux

      As a heterosexual with access to the very top-secret knowledge that Caesar salads aren’t very healthy, I feel very confused right now.

      • It’s all that “lettuce,” Scott

        • Uncle Kvetch

          I’d love to have Doonan over some evening so he could watch The Hubby and me dig into one of our home-cooked specialties…say, TH’s braised short ribs (with buttered egg noodles on the side, natch), or my “speecy-spicy” spaghetti sauce with hot Italian sausage. The poor dear would probably have to retire to the fainting couch.

          • Scott Lemieux

            Indeed. I actually think the “gay/straight food” thing is worse than the “maybe a day will come where women who look like Rooney Mara will be considered attractive” shit.

        • Scott Lemieux

          I wonder where the Times found someone who was unaware that putting copious amounts of oil, cheese, and eggs over some romaine lettuce isn’t particularly healthy.

  • kth

    If you click on the video at the bottom of the essay, you’ll recognize the author as that guy who’s always on the Today Show (or one of its competitors) the day after the Academy Awards. Why he’s writing for Slate is anyone’s guess; was Cojo not available?

    • Njorl

      I was just listening to the Kojo Nnamdi show a few minutes ago, and thought, “What the Hell?”

    • Sharon

      So the design director at Barney’s in going for full-spectrum media dominance.

      I hope the person that hired him at Slate got left over Christmas Ga-Ga schwag out of the deal.

  • Ben

    “Everyone knows men like big boobs. Here are some restaurants organized around that theme! But I think small boobs are making a comeback. I’m gay, but hear me out! Forty years ago my straight friends watched a movie and liked the small boobs they saw. And I just, like, a week ago saw a movie that had a lot of shots of small boobs! However, in the sequel, the small boobs will probably become big boobs. In conclusion, America is a land of contrasts.”

    Jesus H. The Internet does not deserve to be treated like this.

  • I can finally write this:

    Tebow > Doonan

    My god, Tebow’s better than NO ONE! That’s some grade D stuff Doonan’s slopping onto the plate, there.

  • rea

    Gay men don’t get fat? Whew! That’s a relief! Another helping of pie, please.

  • Bighank53

    My God, the stupid, it burns.

  • “…but I’m sure this will all end with a permanent sinecure at the Atlantic”

    …or Slate. Or TNR, or Salon. Possibly all four.

    Just sayin’.

  • Joshua

    If you’re on a desert island and can read only one column for the rest of your days, would it be Doonan or Noonan?

    • Njorl

      Noonan for sure. The magic dolphins might rescue me!

  • KadeKo

    From the days when I got the NYObserver on that pink paper (disclaimer: it was a gift), I was able to dig up this linke.

    • KadeKo

      Oh, and:

      foodie insiders are already calling them breastaurants

      Hooters’ IP (sic) lawyers on line one?

    • Njorl

      So this gay man has been writing about smaller breasts for TWELVE years now? Does he have any friends close enough to tell him that he’s lost his mind?

    • Scott Lemieux

      Jesus Christ. The sad thing is that this schtick was way past its sell-by date the first time.

  • jackie o’lanterns

    The last part of me that was able to shamelessly read Slate died when I saw that Simon Doonan was going to have a regular platform there.

    A few years back, a gay friend of mine got me (and all of his other female friends) this unbearable tripe for Christmas

    http://www.amazon.com/Wacky-Chicks-Fearlessly-Inappropriate-Fabulously/dp/0743257898/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1327089178&sr=8-3

    His description of it was “it’s about women who are fun! Postfeminist!”. Asked to clarify his definition of “postfeminist” he provided “you know – not humorless and politically correct like feminists are”. The conversation did not go well after that.

  • j_h_r

    I’m not sure who decided that these not-quite-good-enough-to-open-for-Carrot-Top comedy stylings demanded the attention of many major media outlets, but I’m sure this will all end with a permanent sinecure at the Atlantic.

    Flag on the play

    Illegal use of the truth

    fifteen yard penalty from the spot of the foul

    repeat second down

  • I was hoping this wasn’t the same guy who wrote the “straight people eat like this, but gay people eat like this” book that was inexplicably hyped by the Times a couple weeks ago, but alas.

    Fuck you, Simon, I like heterosexual sex and macarons.

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