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Not So Much A #Slatepitch as an #Onionpitch

[ 26 ] January 20, 2012 |

Shorter Simon Doonan:  a couple small restaurant chains you’ve never heard of represent a universal trend, the small minority of women who get breast implants for aesthetic reasons can be safely conflated with pretty much all women, and I find it puzzling that to find examples of small-breasted women being considered attractive I am forced to consult such obscure sources as “Hollywood movies” and “every fashion magazine published since the Nixon administration.”

I was hoping this wasn’t the same guy who wrote the “straight people eat like this, but gay people eat like this” book that was inexplicably hyped by the Times a couple weeks ago, but alas.   I’m not sure who decided that these not-quite-good-enough-to-open-for-Carrot-Top comedy stylings demanded the attention of many major media outlets, but I’m sure this will all end with a permanent sinecure at the Atlantic.

 

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  1. JohnR says:

    I’m sure this will all end with a permanent sinecure at the Atlantic.

    Ah, The Atlantic: the offline version of The New Republic. A place where the right sort of writers go to serve out their declining years in an atmosphere of low standards and haute cuisine.

  2. p joeseph says:

    And the Nascar crowd doesn’t seem to have been consulted, either. Too dead common, I suppose.

  3. Uncle Kvetch says:

    the “straight people eat like this, but gay people eat like this” book

    I hate you for bringing this to my attention, Scott.

  4. kth says:

    If you click on the video at the bottom of the essay, you’ll recognize the author as that guy who’s always on the Today Show (or one of its competitors) the day after the Academy Awards. Why he’s writing for Slate is anyone’s guess; was Cojo not available?

  5. Ben says:

    “Everyone knows men like big boobs. Here are some restaurants organized around that theme! But I think small boobs are making a comeback. I’m gay, but hear me out! Forty years ago my straight friends watched a movie and liked the small boobs they saw. And I just, like, a week ago saw a movie that had a lot of shots of small boobs! However, in the sequel, the small boobs will probably become big boobs. In conclusion, America is a land of contrasts.”

    Jesus H. The Internet does not deserve to be treated like this.

  6. actor212 says:

    I can finally write this:

    Tebow > Doonan

    My god, Tebow’s better than NO ONE! That’s some grade D stuff Doonan’s slopping onto the plate, there.

  7. rea says:

    Gay men don’t get fat? Whew! That’s a relief! Another helping of pie, please.

  8. Bighank53 says:

    My God, the stupid, it burns.

  9. “…but I’m sure this will all end with a permanent sinecure at the Atlantic”

    …or Slate. Or TNR, or Salon. Possibly all four.

    Just sayin’.

  10. Joshua says:

    If you’re on a desert island and can read only one column for the rest of your days, would it be Doonan or Noonan?

  11. KadeKo says:

    From the days when I got the NYObserver on that pink paper (disclaimer: it was a gift), I was able to dig up this linke.

  12. jackie o'lanterns says:

    The last part of me that was able to shamelessly read Slate died when I saw that Simon Doonan was going to have a regular platform there.

    A few years back, a gay friend of mine got me (and all of his other female friends) this unbearable tripe for Christmas

    http://www.amazon.com/Wacky-Chicks-Fearlessly-Inappropriate-Fabulously/dp/0743257898/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1327089178&sr=8-3

    His description of it was “it’s about women who are fun! Postfeminist!”. Asked to clarify his definition of “postfeminist” he provided “you know – not humorless and politically correct like feminists are”. The conversation did not go well after that.

  13. j_h_r says:

    I’m not sure who decided that these not-quite-good-enough-to-open-for-Carrot-Top comedy stylings demanded the attention of many major media outlets, but I’m sure this will all end with a permanent sinecure at the Atlantic.

    Flag on the play

    Illegal use of the truth

    fifteen yard penalty from the spot of the foul

    repeat second down

  14. Steve M. says:

    I was hoping this wasn’t the same guy who wrote the “straight people eat like this, but gay people eat like this” book that was inexplicably hyped by the Times a couple weeks ago, but alas.

    Fuck you, Simon, I like heterosexual sex and macarons.

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