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What’s the Matter with the Bears?

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Juneau’s black bears — obviously incensed by my crude loathing for needlessly large vehicular codpieces — are striking back against the innocent:

Ann Boochever had an unwelcome remodel of the interior of her hybrid car Saturday when a black bear got stuck inside.

Boochever said she and her husband, Scott Miller, were sitting in the house Saturday when they heard the horn of their 2006 Toyota Prius.

Looking out the window, they saw the car’s glass was all steamed up and the car was rocking.

“When I say the car was rocking, it was just rocking,” Boochever said.

Running outside, they saw a large black bear was trapped in the car, Boochever said.

After calling authorities, Boochever said her husband opened the rear hatchback and the bear made its getaway.

Boochever said she thinks the bear got in through a back door that may not have been closed all the way and then latched shut after it got in.

Now long gone, the bear’s presence will be felt for a while.

The interior of the car was trashed: Panels had been ripped open, the dashboard scarred, and a pile of scat left on the driver’s seat.

I can’t understand why the bears would begin trashing hybrids. Clearly, they’ve been persuaded by right wing demagogues and an uninquisitive media to act against their own better interests. Because when the world’s grotesque appetite for carbon-rich fuel drains the supply of oil, gas, and coal, don’t think we won’t start harvesting bears for their luscious, energy-rich fat.

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