Alan Keyes Watch

So Alan Keyes wasn’t on the Republican ballot in either Virginia or the District of Columbia. Nevertheless, with nearly 70% of Maryland’s precincts reporting (9:26 PM Alaska time), he’s locked in a battle with Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson for fifth place.

I’m going to stay up all night if I need to, but after the ass-kicking he delivered to both of them in Kansas last week, I’m confident the 500-vote gap will disappear and Keyes will be wearing their ears on a necklace by tomorrow morning. (This is a guy, you’ll recall, who wasn”t afraid to expel his lesbian daughter from the family, so I doubt a pair of has-beens are going to keep him down.) If my predictions hold true, Keyes will have beaten four candidates who lacked the oysters to continue fighting, leaving Mittens as the only withdrawn candidate to out-poll him in the Potomac. This, to use a term of art, is what’s known in the political trade as “momentum.”

Earlier in the week, Alan Keyes was understandably buoyant about his prospects of winning the Republican nomination through a brokered convention. In an interview with The Beaumont [Texas] Enterprise, he quickly brushed past the question of whether he could actually overtake McCain before the party gathers this summer in Minneapolis St. Paul.

Of course I can. I am both the most experienced in every respect, and the best candidate. I proved that back in 2000, when I won every single Republican debate.

I think it is just a matter of getting the word out, from the grassroots to the media, to overcome the effort of the elite to destroy the freedom of choice of the American people.

If you don’t see the choice, be the choice. Americans should not accept the other choices. We are the masters of the political realm in this country, not a bunch of self-serving elites.

People should step forward and offer leadership. I happen to be in a positon to do that, it is not only my right, it is my obligation.

When the history of this political season is written, I’m confident the Keyes campaign will have completely revolutionized the way we think about the nomination process. Unlike Fred Thompson, for example — who blew his wad fighting in vain for an early-stage victory in South Carolina — Alan Keyes is a patient man. And unlike the Mayor of 9/11, Keyes has wisely chosen not to spend tens of millions of dollars only to pull in one lonely convention delegate. In preparation for the state’s March 4 primary, he’s campaigning non-stop in Texas, hoping to catch the rest of the Republican field when they’ve either given up or taken victory for granted. He’s got a lot to overcome, of course. The media treat him as if he were some kind of clown, and even the political futures markets ignore him, which is a total mound of fucking bullshit, since Alan Keyes is the only candidate who actually believes in free markets.

Anyhow, the next few weeks will be crucial for the Keyes campaign. He’ll be spending Valentine’s Day at the Houston Pachyderm Club (look for him in the Spaghetti Warehouse room) before heading to League City for a Friday evening engagement at the Shrine of the True Cross Church. And if anyone knows Mike Kinsky — Keyes’ point man in Southeast Houston — you’ve probably received your invitation to the reception he’s generously hosting at his home.

In case you’re not quite as worked up as you should be about this, go listen to “Yes Keyes Can!” — an excellent mash-up from fellow Keyes enthusiast Undercover Black Man.

. . . UPDATE (6:34 AM): A recount is in order. Like the man says, “If you can’t see the change, be the change.”