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Bulwer-Lytton Awards, Abject Wankery Division

[ 44 ] January 31, 2008 |

Thers discovers more high comedy from Ben “CTRL-C CTRL-V” Domenech, whose abysmal prose makes for a strong case that he should really just go back to ripping of P.J. O’Rourke. Best I can fathom from reading this interminable self-gropery, the Box Turtle is supporting McCain because he’s like Don Quixote, Abe Simpson and Henry VIII rolled into one, and because McCain had his photo taken with Ronald Reagan a few times, and because — I dunno, something about Bob Dole and peanut butter — and then there’s always Jesus.

They will say the [Reagan] coalition is dead — but we will know better. We know it only sleeps. We will cast our votes knowing that the day will come, four years from now, when a new leader, one who knows what the shining city truly means, stands in front of the fresh-dug tomb, and calls into the blackness, as if to Lazarus — “Come out!”

And when we hear it, we will rise from out of our stupor, dust cobwebs from our arms, stumble to the door, our eyes blinking in the sunlight . . . and we will know our day has come.

Uh, Ben? Best I can recall, Lazarus was not “only” sleeping. He was, you know, actually dead.

I realize that describing Ben Domenech as a “writer” is like describing Maureen Dowd as a “human,” but if awards were being handed out for the worst prose in the blogosphere, it would be hard to deny the boy his due.

Comments (44)

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  1. Is Maximos still around?

  2. Is Maximos still around?

  3. witless chum says:

    That metaphor is mixed enough he could have plagiarized it from Tom Friedman.

  4. witless chum says:

    That metaphor is mixed enough he could have plagiarized it from Tom Friedman.

  5. Mudge says:

    And that unknown new leader (Fuhrer auf Deutsch) is Jesus Christ in the example (to call it a metaphor is an insult to the language…I shall christen it a metathree).
    They will never rise from their stupor. They may dust cobwebs and stumble to the door (as they were sent stumbling into the tomb), but they will never rise from their stupor. That is permanent.

  6. Mudge says:

    And that unknown new leader (Fuhrer auf Deutsch) is Jesus Christ in the example (to call it a metaphor is an insult to the language…I shall christen it a metathree).
    They will never rise from their stupor. They may dust cobwebs and stumble to the door (as they were sent stumbling into the tomb), but they will never rise from their stupor. That is permanent.

  7. aimai says:

    He didn’t mean Lazarus, he meant *King Arthur* but the camelot metaphor was already taken.
    aimai

  8. aimai says:

    He didn’t mean Lazarus, he meant *King Arthur* but the camelot metaphor was already taken.
    aimai

  9. nolo says:

    And when we hear it, we will rise from out of our stupor, dust cobwebs from our arms, stumble to the door, our eyes blinking in the sunlight . . . and we will know our day has come.
    The Zombie Republicans!!!

  10. nolo says:

    And when we hear it, we will rise from out of our stupor, dust cobwebs from our arms, stumble to the door, our eyes blinking in the sunlight . . . and we will know our day has come.
    The Zombie Republicans!!!

  11. grouchomarxist says:

    Given Ben’s proclivities, how can we be sure he didn’t crib this from some back-issue of the Volkischer Beobachter?

  12. grouchomarxist says:

    Given Ben’s proclivities, how can we be sure he didn’t crib this from some back-issue of the Volkischer Beobachter?

  13. Anderson says:

    When attacking someone else’s “abysmal prose,” consider not writing “ripping of” for “ripping off” in the very same sentence
    Just sayin’.

  14. Anderson says:

    When attacking someone else’s “abysmal prose,” consider not writing “ripping of” for “ripping off” in the very same sentence
    Just sayin’.

  15. monkey.dave says:

    if awards were being handed out for the worst prose in the blogosphere, it would be hard to deny the boy his due.
    I dunno. Have you ever read Gates of Vienna?
    We will cast our votes knowing that the day will come, four years from now, when a new leader … calls into the blackness … ‘Come out!’”
    And then Larry Craig will emerge from the crypt and exclaim “How many times do I have to tell you… I’m not gay!”

  16. monkey.dave says:

    if awards were being handed out for the worst prose in the blogosphere, it would be hard to deny the boy his due.
    I dunno. Have you ever read Gates of Vienna?
    We will cast our votes knowing that the day will come, four years from now, when a new leader … calls into the blackness … ‘Come out!’”
    And then Larry Craig will emerge from the crypt and exclaim “How many times do I have to tell you… I’m not gay!”

  17. felix says:

    Shorter Domenech: Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Reagan Coalition Rl’yeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.

  18. felix says:

    Shorter Domenech: Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Reagan Coalition Rl’yeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.

  19. Eric Martin says:

    And why does he contemplate McCain as president, and then suggest that the coalition will survive it, and awaken (resurrect?) in four years when a new leader emerges?
    Are they going to oppose a sitting GOP Prez in four years?

  20. Eric Martin says:

    And why does he contemplate McCain as president, and then suggest that the coalition will survive it, and awaken (resurrect?) in four years when a new leader emerges?
    Are they going to oppose a sitting GOP Prez in four years?

  21. Ben Domenech says:

    When attacking someone else’s “abysmal prose,” consider not writing “ripping of” for “ripping off” in the very same sentence
    Just sayin’.

  22. Ben Domenech says:

    When attacking someone else’s “abysmal prose,” consider not writing “ripping of” for “ripping off” in the very same sentence
    Just sayin’.

  23. The Coalition says:

    BRAAAIIIINS!!
    BRAAAIIIINS!!

  24. The Coalition says:

    BRAAAIIIINS!!
    BRAAAIIIINS!!

  25. d says:

    I’m not sure “abysmal prose” and “a fucking typo” are quite the same thing, Anderson.
    Just sayin’.

  26. d says:

    I’m not sure “abysmal prose” and “a fucking typo” are quite the same thing, Anderson.
    Just sayin’.

  27. Thers says:

    Maximos is apparently gone, but Paul Cella still occasionally shows his mug.
    It’s funny how all the Red State folks seem to have the same godawful style: ponderous, self-conscious, clunky.

  28. Thers says:

    Maximos is apparently gone, but Paul Cella still occasionally shows his mug.
    It’s funny how all the Red State folks seem to have the same godawful style: ponderous, self-conscious, clunky.

  29. lemuel pitkin says:

    Shorter Domenech: Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Reagan Coalition Rl’yeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.
    Felix wins.

  30. lemuel pitkin says:

    Shorter Domenech: Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Reagan Coalition Rl’yeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.
    Felix wins.

  31. rea says:

    There was a certain rich man, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day:
    And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores,
    And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man’s table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores.
    And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham’s bosom: the rich man also died, and was buried;
    And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.
    And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.
    But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented.
    And beside all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed: so that they which would pass from hence to you cannot; neither can they pass to us, that would come from thence.
    Just sayin’

  32. rea says:

    There was a certain rich man, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day:
    And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores,
    And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man’s table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores.
    And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham’s bosom: the rich man also died, and was buried;
    And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.
    And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.
    But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented.
    And beside all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed: so that they which would pass from hence to you cannot; neither can they pass to us, that would come from thence.
    Just sayin’

  33. rea says:

    Although to be fair, Lil’ Ben probably had in mind the other Lazarus–the one in John, rather than the one in Luke . . .
    Of course, the Bible tell us about the one in John:
    Lord, by this time he stinketh: for he hath been dead four days.

  34. rea says:

    Although to be fair, Lil’ Ben probably had in mind the other Lazarus–the one in John, rather than the one in Luke . . .
    Of course, the Bible tell us about the one in John:
    Lord, by this time he stinketh: for he hath been dead four days.

  35. Mike Schilling says:

    He didn’t mean Lazarus, he meant *King Arthur*
    Or Barbarossa. If Domenech were a liberal, anyway.

  36. Mike Schilling says:

    He didn’t mean Lazarus, he meant *King Arthur*
    Or Barbarossa. If Domenech were a liberal, anyway.

  37. Cala says:

    Come on, he tried his hand at a Bible allusion! That automatically makes it high art, only higher had mimicked Shakespeare.
    Shall I compare Reagan to a summer’s day? He was never a borrower nor a lender.. be.

  38. Cala says:

    Come on, he tried his hand at a Bible allusion! That automatically makes it high art, only higher had mimicked Shakespeare.
    Shall I compare Reagan to a summer’s day? He was never a borrower nor a lender.. be.

  39. Herr Doktor Bimler says:

    No offence to Alan Garner, but I’m picking “The Weirdstone of Brisingamen” as Ben’s main literary influence here.

  40. Herr Doktor Bimler says:

    No offence to Alan Garner, but I’m picking “The Weirdstone of Brisingamen” as Ben’s main literary influence here.

  41. ajay says:

    Really? I was thinking it was “The Mummy”.

  42. ajay says:

    Really? I was thinking it was “The Mummy”.

  43. Indy says:

    Yep, here come the zombie republicanism jokes…

  44. Indy says:

    Yep, here come the zombie republicanism jokes…

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