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I’m clearing my calendar for August 1

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The annual migration of the cruise ships began this week, and along with it the entire corporate ecosystem of Juneau erupted into life. It’s pissing outside — we live in a rainforest, after all — but no one is deterred. Non-locally-owned tourist shops opened their doors, ready to discharge cheap t-shirts and baseball hats into the narcotized hands of befuddled tourists; restaurants nudged their prices ever so gently upward; fleets of buses and trolleys, hungry for sweet, rich pedestrian blood, disembarked from their winter lairs; helicopters and float planes began dotting the skies like a scene from Apocalypse Now; and the entire city was suddenly filled with young, attractive men and women working summer jobs that involve rafting, kayaking, hiking, and smoking lots and lots of marijuana.

Each year brings with it an assortment of celebrity sightings. LL Cool J dropped by two years ago, and in 2004 I nearly killed several people downtown by sticking my head out the window to yell “Richard Simmons! Woo hoo!” to the frightened amazement of the people riding in the car I was driving at the time. (Simmons smiled and waved, so you tell me if it wasn’t worth the effort.) When Brad Pitt was seen jogging shirtless on one of the local trails a few years back, one of the local radio stations — and the phrase “no shit” comes to mind here — reported the news with great enthusiasm.

And this year? Glory be.

Things to do on August 1:

(1) Get Arthur Laffer to draw a pirate on a cocktail napkin.
(2) Chat with Dick Morris about the good times.
(3) Ask Doughbob about that book he’s not working on.
(4) Get Victor Davis Hanson to read excerpts of No Man a Slave during open mic night at The Alaskan.
(5) Gift basket (NSFW) for Robert Bork.

Beyond that, I’m willing to take requests.

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