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They Rise Up In the Sweat and Smoke, Like Mercury

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It must be said that Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey is–as has been widely noted–a real find, the most hilariously oblivious libertarian crank to emerge in quite some time. (Amber Pawlik, come back, all is forgiven.) Just as if you repeatedly assert how nice you are, you aren’t, if you repeatedly assert what an incredible catch you are, you aren’t.

One would think that this assertion of incredible desirability would drive away all the competition, but there are some other high-quality fish in the sea stepping up. If you can get out of bed after the devastating pre-emptive rejection by elaborately named Randian crackpots, at least. S.Z. makes her case:

1. My hair has lots of bounce and body. Not every woman’s hair is thick and full, as any shampoo commercial will inform you. This automatically puts me in the top 10th percentile of desirability.

2. I own a car. Many famous people, to include Gandhi, Socrates, and Jesus, didn’t. This demonstrates my moral superiority to them.

3. I obtained a bachelors degree from an accredited college, so I am way more educated than most women who lived in the 12th century.

4. My IQ has been tested and found to be higher than the IQs of several other people. So, I’m not only educated, I can also darken little squares with a pencil.

5. When I posted a photo of a porn starlet at Hot or Not? and claimed that it was me, I was rated as 97% more attractive than John Podhoretz.

6. I was not born crippled or blind or anything, thus making me a much better catch than those blind and crippled girls. And I’m way hotter than those chicks who lost their hair during radiation therapy for their cancer!

7. I was not directly affected by Hurricane Katrina, thus proving that God considers me to be a really good person.

8. I am not a fat single mother on welfare.

So, now that you know how out of your league I am, will you all PLEASE stop dreaming that we have a future together?

That should keep the losers away! But wait, Becks ups the ante:

I am not Jacqueline Passey.

Whew, it doesn’t get much higher quality than that! Clearly, they’re both out of my league. But don’t despair: welfare mothers make better lovers.

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