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Next Week: Who Moved My Cheese? The Movie!

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For reasons I can’t explain, and much to the annoyance of anyone unfortunate to be in my presence while reading the Friday newspaper, I’ve always been fascinated by the marketing of movies that studios know are destined to be massive commercial and critical bombs. The more typical variety is the movie where the studio has a glimmer of hope that the movie might become inexplicably profitable, like Ace Ventura: Pet Detective; they take out a large ad, studded with critical blurbs, only that they can’t even get Peter Travers or Gene Shalit or Kevin Thomas on board so if you read the really small type you’ll notice they’re all from Earl Dittman and Mose Persico and some guy at UPN-13 in Tulsa.

But then there’s the ones where the don’t even do that; there’s a small corner ad, like some stillborn indie with Piper Perabo that plays with quiet shame for one week in early February. And then you notice that it’s opening in more theaters in New Jersey than in New York City. It is this category to which the movie based on The Celestine Prophecy, which apparently opened this week. In fairness to the producers, it’s hard to know a priori which movie based on an historically bad but very popular novel can become a blockbuster, while yours gets a week of empty theaters in the suburbs. But you probably need to strike while the iron is, uh, a little hotter.

Here’s my question, though: who the hell could be “disappointed” by the quality of a movie based on The Celestine Prophecy? That’s like, “I can’t believe that the new album of Celine Dion covering the Jewel songbook with arrangements by Enya isn’t good!” I guess that’s like the disappointment Ann Althouse will feel when she finds out that Samuel Alito isn’t a supporter of Roe v. Wade

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